Happy New Year!

Well today is the 1st of January 2010. While I am very thankful that I survived 2009 without hopefully any perminent damage, I am still really apprehensive about what 2010 will bring.

There are big changes happening at work, I will not know if they are going to be good or not, we will have to see. I know that I am going to be busy for the next few months so at least that should keep me out of some trouble...(yeah right). I realy have to be on my best game.

School starts again in the next few weeks. It's my last year if I can survive my schedule. 4 classes this spring, 3 summer, 4 fall and then the great walk. I know that priorities will need to shift and I will not get as much computer time for fun stuff as I will like but it will need to be done. School is driving me crazy. I just want out!!

My daughter is going to be starting kindergarden this fall. I am terrified that she will be bored. She is truly too damn smart for her own good. I am also going to try to work on her to get her writing down. Maybe even try some reading, I am not sure. I don't want to push too hard but she soaks up this stuff like the best sponge in the world and I don't mean SpongeBob. I really want her to love learning not feel like it's a chore.

I could be a better housekeeper, and I could really start cooking better meals at home. Actually I would love to figure out how my mom did it. She worked full time and then kept an immaculate house. We NEVER ate out unless it was a special occasion. She didn't get help from my dad. My brother and I had chores but if it wasn't good enough, lord knows it got redone.

I need to get in better health. I have a really good genetic make up but that will only take me so far. Enough said.

I need to figure out how to work better in relationships or get out of them. Being lazy in that will not cut it anymore. It's too stressful and really unhealthy.

I just need to start taking care of myself so that I can take care of others. Wish me luck!

Yeah, I have been lazy

I admit it, I took a total freaking nosedive. I gained everything I had lost and now I am back in sloth mode. It's just easier to let someone else cook good food that is bad for you than to cook healthy food yourself. It's easier to just stuff emotions down with food, to celebrate good with food and to manage extreme stress with a cheeseburger in one hand and a Snickers bar in the other.

My ex husband had gastric bypass surgery this past March and he is down like 84 pounds or some incredible amount. He weighs now about 25 pounds more than I do. Not that I want to give up eating real food, or to suffer the complications that he has to deal with but I will admit to being jealous. It doesn't help that my mother constantly nags me about my weight saying that I am going to die because I am fat. Not that my mother is all that fond of me anyway so if it's not my weight she would be a nag about something else. My mother is another story for a shrink however.

I have heard many times that being fat is hard, loosing weight is hard so choose your hard. I don't think being fat is that hard. I don't have to work at it, it has yet to affect my health and I am pretty good at it, since I have been this way for almost 30 years.

This morning when I woke up, I got the idea in my head that it's finally time to get the weight off. For good. I have been batting the idea around for a few weeks, checking to see if I am really ready or if it will be yet another half assed attempt at loosing weight. Well I have been awake for over 2 hours now and I have yet to step on the scale. I know alot if it is fear, as I don't really want to know how much I weigh, part of it is the disappointment I will feel for another failed attempt. There is some stress added in, because loosing weight is just another thing I will have to stress over. (I thrive on it, it's like crack, herion and meth all mixed together in one easy form) so in some ways I will even self sabotage so that I can stress over it. (Yeah I know, sick)

Who knows what the future holds for me and my weight. Maybe my thoughts when I woke up this morning was my wakeup call, one can hope. Only time will tell.

Good news and bad news today

Well the problems with the economy have finally hit close to home. Effective 1 March Joseph will take a 10% paycut. We are just going to have to tighten our belts up and really stick to a budget. We are lucky, we both have jobs. I am not getting a raise this year but that is a hell of a lot better than a pay cut. The whole thing has gone to hell in a handcart and our government is trying it's absolute best to put it at top speed. But that is enough about politics.

Well today is my WI day. I hit my first 10% ever. I nailed it right on the head. I was so excited I cried, and my daughter, bless her little heart thought I was hurt and was making sure I was okay. It's weird though, instead of focusing on how great that first 10% is, I am more daunted about the 2nd 10% that I am aiming for now. I even have to loose less weight to hit that 10% but it will put me in a zone that I have not been for awhile. I was thinking about this as I was updating my Weight Watchers profile. For some reason it seems like so much more weight than the first 10%. Maybe because I will be way closer to 200 pounds than 300 pounds, like when I started. I would like to reach my 2nd 10% before 17 May 2009 when I am doing a half marathon with Joseph. I guess I better buckle down and get working.

The whole problem with this weight loss thing is the mind games it causes. Those are the worst. Maybe I will be the same person once I get down to my goal weight, but I am really doubting it. Hopefully I will be a better person when I get to goal, not because I am thinner, but because I am wiser. I will have to have beaten all of the mind games that are related to emotional eating. I will have to have figured out where to put the extra energy that I spent eating and worrying. Or even better, hopefully I will not have as much to worry about. For some reason though, I really don't see that happening either...

Smorgasborg posting day!

Well as you may know, I have WI today and I am down another 1.5 pounds! Joseph has to see the numbers on it to make it count, and normally he is really supportive, no matter what the scale says. Today he wasn't. Don't get me wrong he wasn't mean but he just said okay I saw it and walked away. I know my weight loss is not easy on everyone all the time but he could have at least said good job or something. Well now that that's out, I am done whining. Onward and downward!

One of my friends Heather coerced me into getting a Facebook account. She coerced me into a MySpace account that I let close. Facebook on the other hand, I have already reconnected with two friends from high school. I even posted pictures on it! And you all know how I feel about pictures. So thanks Heather for getting me out of my comfort zone. I do need to get out of my shell more, especially since it's getting smaller!

Last night I decided to be a good little taxpayer and get my 2008 taxes done. Aren't you all proud of me? I love just hopping on line and taking care of business. Now if my refund will come quickly I will be a much happy camper.

Well people, it's been fun chatting but the life of a parent never ends. Time to get ready for dancing school and errands. Have a wonderful day everyone!

It's the 1st of February... Picture day!

And why would I be excited about this? I have absolutely NO idea. Maybe because I actually have done it two months in a row. Joseph says he can see a difference, but me, I don't think I look any better. Of course we are our own harshest critics. I think he just says there is one to keep me happy or at least not in tears. Some days he is a really smart man.

I went shopping today to find a new outfit for the fellowship applicant interviews that happen on Tuesday. This is my first round of them and I am pretty excited. I went to good old Lane Bryant found a size 20 skirt and it was actually pretty loose, found a blouse to match looked good felt fab I had dropped a size! Or well so I thought. When the saleswoman was scanning the skirt, I saw the inside tag. My heart sank it was a 24. No wonder it was so loose. It's no secret, especially with the picture you are seeing that I carry the bulk of my weight in my midsection. I just wanted to cry. I did find a true 20 that I could even zip but it was not very flattering. I ended up not buying anything. It's hard to not let something like that deter me but I can't let it.

It's hard to look at this picture even. I am one of those people who never saw themselves as big as I actually am. And I am down almost 25 pounds in this picture. I know that I have said at least to others if not here that I hate it when people treat me differently when I show a decent weight loss. I think its starting again but I am not 100% sure. I have always said I am the same person at 270lbs as I am at 210lbs or whatever. Now I am not so sure. I am still intelligent, sarcastic and quick witted. (And soooo humble) I am not feeling that I am the same. I will have to just wait and see who I will be when the weight comes off. I hope I like that person as much as I liked the woman at 270lbs.

We all have a crutch when we are lacking somewhere else. Mine is that I am the funny fat girl. I am the hard worker who always goes over the call of duty (again with the humility I tell you...) But it was a shield I hid behind or what I had to do to prove that I was not lazy because of my weight. There will come a day that I won't have to prove myself... or will I always be the funny fat girl?

So long January, you were gone in a flash

Really, it's the 31st of January already? That was fast. Tried some new things this month, like exercising at lunch, which lasted two weeks and then all hell broke loose and I couldn't do it. I hope to start it up next week because even after just two weeks of doing it, my body misses it, a lot. I know, who would of thought? I wish the weather would get better soon, I would love to start moving outside instead of being stuck on a treadmill. Besides, got to get Joseph going too as we are both doing the half marathon in May. He still thinks I am kidding even though he is registered...

I managed to get another respiratory infection this month. This time I was smarter about it. I got on the right medicine right away and I actually took time off of work to rest and not push myself. Fancy that, I am almost over it 8 weeks shorter than last time. I know that my lung disease is not attributed to my weight but I think that loosing weight contributed to the fact that I am finally learning how to take care of myself.

Here's the thing, when I woke up this morning I didn't want to be OP today. I have been going for 9 weeks straight with no deviation, no WPA's or AP's eaten. Exercising at least 5 days a week. I was tired of it. So I had two meals that trutfully, didn't even put me over my points for the day, however I could have made better choices and amazingly enough that desire to just be fat because it's easier is now gone. I am going to sign off and then go do my aerobics video to kind of counteract what I did today. I will at least feel better mentally if not physically.

I am leaving this month 10.1 pounds lighter, a month older and a bit wiser. Not a bad deal for 31 days.

A Challenge you say...

Ah, it's Wednesday again. Rolled out of bed to meet my frienemy the scale. Time to call out the boyfriend to have him look at the number. I have been sick the last few days so I didn't know what to expect. Down 1.5 pounds. Very respectable. Happy Camper!

This was the first weigh in for the challenge I am currently in with another boardie from the 200+ board, Mrs. Annette K. She is coming out to Denver in May and we both kind of needed some motivation so I challenged her to a biggest looser type of deal. Who ever looses the largest percentage of weight between last week and the first WI in May, before Annette makes it to Denver wins. The prize? A $50 gift certificate to the store of the winners choice. Hot digity dog! I wish I could have upped my activity this week, but I am fighting another respiratory infection. I am feeling human today so I think I will try to get some light cardio in. Having a goal other than my end result weight loss makes me happy. It gets my blood flowing, kind of kicks me back into the honeymoon phase of Weight Watchers. We all love a good honeymoon phase now don't we? So thanks Annette for agreeing to the challenge with me!

It is so on girl!