Yeah, I have been lazy

I admit it, I took a total freaking nosedive. I gained everything I had lost and now I am back in sloth mode. It's just easier to let someone else cook good food that is bad for you than to cook healthy food yourself. It's easier to just stuff emotions down with food, to celebrate good with food and to manage extreme stress with a cheeseburger in one hand and a Snickers bar in the other.

My ex husband had gastric bypass surgery this past March and he is down like 84 pounds or some incredible amount. He weighs now about 25 pounds more than I do. Not that I want to give up eating real food, or to suffer the complications that he has to deal with but I will admit to being jealous. It doesn't help that my mother constantly nags me about my weight saying that I am going to die because I am fat. Not that my mother is all that fond of me anyway so if it's not my weight she would be a nag about something else. My mother is another story for a shrink however.

I have heard many times that being fat is hard, loosing weight is hard so choose your hard. I don't think being fat is that hard. I don't have to work at it, it has yet to affect my health and I am pretty good at it, since I have been this way for almost 30 years.

This morning when I woke up, I got the idea in my head that it's finally time to get the weight off. For good. I have been batting the idea around for a few weeks, checking to see if I am really ready or if it will be yet another half assed attempt at loosing weight. Well I have been awake for over 2 hours now and I have yet to step on the scale. I know alot if it is fear, as I don't really want to know how much I weigh, part of it is the disappointment I will feel for another failed attempt. There is some stress added in, because loosing weight is just another thing I will have to stress over. (I thrive on it, it's like crack, herion and meth all mixed together in one easy form) so in some ways I will even self sabotage so that I can stress over it. (Yeah I know, sick)

Who knows what the future holds for me and my weight. Maybe my thoughts when I woke up this morning was my wakeup call, one can hope. Only time will tell.

Good news and bad news today

Well the problems with the economy have finally hit close to home. Effective 1 March Joseph will take a 10% paycut. We are just going to have to tighten our belts up and really stick to a budget. We are lucky, we both have jobs. I am not getting a raise this year but that is a hell of a lot better than a pay cut. The whole thing has gone to hell in a handcart and our government is trying it's absolute best to put it at top speed. But that is enough about politics.

Well today is my WI day. I hit my first 10% ever. I nailed it right on the head. I was so excited I cried, and my daughter, bless her little heart thought I was hurt and was making sure I was okay. It's weird though, instead of focusing on how great that first 10% is, I am more daunted about the 2nd 10% that I am aiming for now. I even have to loose less weight to hit that 10% but it will put me in a zone that I have not been for awhile. I was thinking about this as I was updating my Weight Watchers profile. For some reason it seems like so much more weight than the first 10%. Maybe because I will be way closer to 200 pounds than 300 pounds, like when I started. I would like to reach my 2nd 10% before 17 May 2009 when I am doing a half marathon with Joseph. I guess I better buckle down and get working.

The whole problem with this weight loss thing is the mind games it causes. Those are the worst. Maybe I will be the same person once I get down to my goal weight, but I am really doubting it. Hopefully I will be a better person when I get to goal, not because I am thinner, but because I am wiser. I will have to have beaten all of the mind games that are related to emotional eating. I will have to have figured out where to put the extra energy that I spent eating and worrying. Or even better, hopefully I will not have as much to worry about. For some reason though, I really don't see that happening either...

Smorgasborg posting day!

Well as you may know, I have WI today and I am down another 1.5 pounds! Joseph has to see the numbers on it to make it count, and normally he is really supportive, no matter what the scale says. Today he wasn't. Don't get me wrong he wasn't mean but he just said okay I saw it and walked away. I know my weight loss is not easy on everyone all the time but he could have at least said good job or something. Well now that that's out, I am done whining. Onward and downward!

One of my friends Heather coerced me into getting a Facebook account. She coerced me into a MySpace account that I let close. Facebook on the other hand, I have already reconnected with two friends from high school. I even posted pictures on it! And you all know how I feel about pictures. So thanks Heather for getting me out of my comfort zone. I do need to get out of my shell more, especially since it's getting smaller!

Last night I decided to be a good little taxpayer and get my 2008 taxes done. Aren't you all proud of me? I love just hopping on line and taking care of business. Now if my refund will come quickly I will be a much happy camper.

Well people, it's been fun chatting but the life of a parent never ends. Time to get ready for dancing school and errands. Have a wonderful day everyone!

It's the 1st of February... Picture day!

And why would I be excited about this? I have absolutely NO idea. Maybe because I actually have done it two months in a row. Joseph says he can see a difference, but me, I don't think I look any better. Of course we are our own harshest critics. I think he just says there is one to keep me happy or at least not in tears. Some days he is a really smart man.

I went shopping today to find a new outfit for the fellowship applicant interviews that happen on Tuesday. This is my first round of them and I am pretty excited. I went to good old Lane Bryant found a size 20 skirt and it was actually pretty loose, found a blouse to match looked good felt fab I had dropped a size! Or well so I thought. When the saleswoman was scanning the skirt, I saw the inside tag. My heart sank it was a 24. No wonder it was so loose. It's no secret, especially with the picture you are seeing that I carry the bulk of my weight in my midsection. I just wanted to cry. I did find a true 20 that I could even zip but it was not very flattering. I ended up not buying anything. It's hard to not let something like that deter me but I can't let it.

It's hard to look at this picture even. I am one of those people who never saw themselves as big as I actually am. And I am down almost 25 pounds in this picture. I know that I have said at least to others if not here that I hate it when people treat me differently when I show a decent weight loss. I think its starting again but I am not 100% sure. I have always said I am the same person at 270lbs as I am at 210lbs or whatever. Now I am not so sure. I am still intelligent, sarcastic and quick witted. (And soooo humble) I am not feeling that I am the same. I will have to just wait and see who I will be when the weight comes off. I hope I like that person as much as I liked the woman at 270lbs.

We all have a crutch when we are lacking somewhere else. Mine is that I am the funny fat girl. I am the hard worker who always goes over the call of duty (again with the humility I tell you...) But it was a shield I hid behind or what I had to do to prove that I was not lazy because of my weight. There will come a day that I won't have to prove myself... or will I always be the funny fat girl?

So long January, you were gone in a flash

Really, it's the 31st of January already? That was fast. Tried some new things this month, like exercising at lunch, which lasted two weeks and then all hell broke loose and I couldn't do it. I hope to start it up next week because even after just two weeks of doing it, my body misses it, a lot. I know, who would of thought? I wish the weather would get better soon, I would love to start moving outside instead of being stuck on a treadmill. Besides, got to get Joseph going too as we are both doing the half marathon in May. He still thinks I am kidding even though he is registered...

I managed to get another respiratory infection this month. This time I was smarter about it. I got on the right medicine right away and I actually took time off of work to rest and not push myself. Fancy that, I am almost over it 8 weeks shorter than last time. I know that my lung disease is not attributed to my weight but I think that loosing weight contributed to the fact that I am finally learning how to take care of myself.

Here's the thing, when I woke up this morning I didn't want to be OP today. I have been going for 9 weeks straight with no deviation, no WPA's or AP's eaten. Exercising at least 5 days a week. I was tired of it. So I had two meals that trutfully, didn't even put me over my points for the day, however I could have made better choices and amazingly enough that desire to just be fat because it's easier is now gone. I am going to sign off and then go do my aerobics video to kind of counteract what I did today. I will at least feel better mentally if not physically.

I am leaving this month 10.1 pounds lighter, a month older and a bit wiser. Not a bad deal for 31 days.

A Challenge you say...

Ah, it's Wednesday again. Rolled out of bed to meet my frienemy the scale. Time to call out the boyfriend to have him look at the number. I have been sick the last few days so I didn't know what to expect. Down 1.5 pounds. Very respectable. Happy Camper!

This was the first weigh in for the challenge I am currently in with another boardie from the 200+ board, Mrs. Annette K. She is coming out to Denver in May and we both kind of needed some motivation so I challenged her to a biggest looser type of deal. Who ever looses the largest percentage of weight between last week and the first WI in May, before Annette makes it to Denver wins. The prize? A $50 gift certificate to the store of the winners choice. Hot digity dog! I wish I could have upped my activity this week, but I am fighting another respiratory infection. I am feeling human today so I think I will try to get some light cardio in. Having a goal other than my end result weight loss makes me happy. It gets my blood flowing, kind of kicks me back into the honeymoon phase of Weight Watchers. We all love a good honeymoon phase now don't we? So thanks Annette for agreeing to the challenge with me!

It is so on girl!

Lessons being learned

Thank goodness this week is over.

I had a rough week stress wise, and the later in the week it got, the worse it got. I was in such a mood yesterday that I was pretty much numb to everything. I couldn't really tell you what triggered the start of it, maybe it was school starting soon, or the economy, work, or fear of what the future will bring us with the changing of the guard in D.C. this next week and what kind of world my daughter is going to be brought up in. Whatever it was, I did not function as my regular sarcastic self. I don't like that feeling very much because I can not pinpoint what the trouble is. In the past, this would trigger a binge of eating everything that isn't nailed down. I did not do that. I even really pushed myself during my work out to help break the hold the mood had over me, but that didn't work either. Came home to a hum dinger of a fight with my favorite geek and ended up working out again (still no help) and hardly eating anything. That was topped off by my sleeping on the couch. Shouldn't that be the other way around? So I went to bed without eating all that much for the day and I woke up sick this morning.

I am starting to feel better and a little more like me. I am getting a little bit better about feeling my feelings instead of feeding them. I still don't like how they make me feel but at least I am trying to find a better way of dealing with them.

It really makes me wonder what I am going to be like as the weight comes off. Am I in the process of watching my outside change and figuring out what I am like on the inside too.

Okay so much for updating every day...

Wednesdays are good days. I don't have to drive across town for work since I work 4 10 hour days, I get to take my daughter to dancing school and sometimes we even get to watch. You have not seen cute until you see 3 and 4 year old girls try to balet and tap dance. It's WI day too and for the past 6 weeks before today, the scale has been pretty friendly. I have to admit I was kind of nervous when I stepped on. Down another 3 pounds, which makes 19.1 in 7 weeks. Not too shabby if I do say so myself. Since I am doing this online instead of going to meetings, my poor boyfriend has to watch me stand on the scale and he tells me the weight. Doesn't count unless he sees it. Yeah, you figure out how much you love someone when you let them see you stand au natural on a scale when you are morbidly obese and how much someone else loves you when they are the ones who get up at the crack of dawn to actually read that number to you and holds you accountable for whatever those numbers are.

School starts again in a week. New major, new set of instructors, praying the new and improved attitude will kick in before then. I need to not procrastinate so much when it comes to studying and getting my homework completed. I admit, I do my best work under pressure. However, I do pretty damn good when I acutally time manage and get things done early. Also, I don't want to use school as an excuse to not focus on my new and improved lifestyle. I joined the gym at work and now take lunch in the late morning, work out for 45 minutes, quick shower and go back to work. My boss thougth I looked great with wet hair. Sarcasm, thy name is Cristy. The doctor I work for asked me if it was raining outside. (Yeah that happens in Colorado in January a whole lot) However, I now have a travel hair dryer to avoid this little problem again.

Next up on the agenda is actually going to school to pick up textbooks. I go to school online so I never really go to campus. I guess I could order them and get them shipped to me, but then Sarah loves to go up and down the twisty stairs at school and who am I to refuse an AP or two?

What day is it?

Hey Folks! Glad to see ya.

I woke up this moring not knowing what day of the week it was. Now before you ask, I did not wake up with a hangover, I don't like to drink my points. It's just that with the holidays being on Thursday, I have that extra day off in the week. I am not complaining, it just kind of messes me up. I am glad that I have a 5 day weekend but I tell you after two weeks of that, the week of 5 January is going to hurt...a lot. Well at least I can be thankful to be gainfully employed in a job that I really do love.

I have decided I need to better time manage. I have them broken into groups
1. Work time (hard to mess with since I have a set schedule)
2. School time (on winter break now but I need to get a better schedule for it)
3. Sarah time (My daughter, enough said)
4. Joseph time (my boyfriend, again enough said)
5. Me time
6. House time (Releasing my inner Donna Reed)

Now these are not in order of importance just what I am breaking it down to be. Anyway, I want to get something started now, so that making it all work will get easier. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated!

Happy New Year Folks!

Well it's the start of a new year, 2009 the year of the ox. Not that I have a clue of what that means but we will go with it anyway. Millions of people are waking up to new found resolve. They are going to make resolutions to change their lives in some way, shape or form. Not me though. I can't make resolutions because they last about a week or so and then I start to rebel.

I (re) started my journey of weight loss the week of Thanksgiving. Do I have great timing or what? However, with a month of holidays, I managed to loose 13 pounds! Not one gain in those weeks, although I did stay the same last week, and let me tell you how thankful I was for that!

There are a few things I am going to do differently this year than last. I am going to keep this blog up. Now, I have no idea if anyone is going to read it or not. I hope they do but you never know. It's helpful to me, to type out my thoughts and get it off my chest. In turn, out of my mouth and off of my thighs, hips, rear etc... I am also going to take a picture of myself on the first day of each month to see how my progress is going. As you can see, here is the picture from 1 January 2009.

If you do read this, I welcome your suggestions, comments and even critiques. Let me know how your journey is making you feel. How things have changed for you and the like.