24 June 2009

Yeah, I have been lazy

I admit it, I took a total freaking nosedive. I gained everything I had lost and now I am back in sloth mode. It's just easier to let someone else cook good food that is bad for you than to cook healthy food yourself. It's easier to just stuff emotions down with food, to celebrate good with food and to manage extreme stress with a cheeseburger in one hand and a Snickers bar in the other.

My ex husband had gastric bypass surgery this past March and he is down like 84 pounds or some incredible amount. He weighs now about 25 pounds more than I do. Not that I want to give up eating real food, or to suffer the complications that he has to deal with but I will admit to being jealous. It doesn't help that my mother constantly nags me about my weight saying that I am going to die because I am fat. Not that my mother is all that fond of me anyway so if it's not my weight she would be a nag about something else. My mother is another story for a shrink however.

I have heard many times that being fat is hard, loosing weight is hard so choose your hard. I don't think being fat is that hard. I don't have to work at it, it has yet to affect my health and I am pretty good at it, since I have been this way for almost 30 years.

This morning when I woke up, I got the idea in my head that it's finally time to get the weight off. For good. I have been batting the idea around for a few weeks, checking to see if I am really ready or if it will be yet another half assed attempt at loosing weight. Well I have been awake for over 2 hours now and I have yet to step on the scale. I know alot if it is fear, as I don't really want to know how much I weigh, part of it is the disappointment I will feel for another failed attempt. There is some stress added in, because loosing weight is just another thing I will have to stress over. (I thrive on it, it's like crack, herion and meth all mixed together in one easy form) so in some ways I will even self sabotage so that I can stress over it. (Yeah I know, sick)

Who knows what the future holds for me and my weight. Maybe my thoughts when I woke up this morning was my wakeup call, one can hope. Only time will tell.